If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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