So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
