Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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