I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
