don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
