The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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