Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
