Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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