I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
