woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
