The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
