Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
