So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
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Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
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She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
And then he peed in my hair
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