Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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