1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
