Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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