Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
