I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
