I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
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He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
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Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂