Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
