Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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