i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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