Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
