oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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