My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
