I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
