South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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