what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
