He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
