The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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