I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
