happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Is it penis luge time yet?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
