im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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