Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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