last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
