R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
