its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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