the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
