There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
