i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
