i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...