i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good