It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.