i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
