I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
