Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
