dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
