don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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