Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
