Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
