i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm really busy with my period
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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