Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
