Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
