My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
