i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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