and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
