you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
