i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
