AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
