Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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